     Voigtkampff | Thursday, February 10, 2000 - 08:30 am 
What I know about relationships I have learned vicariously through others. I have little personal experience. I talk a lot and listen even more. Once in a while I hear something that truly strikes a chord. I added a great deal to an analogy that a friend provided.
When you buy a car, you want one that lasts forever. But nothing is forever. Not even a Mercedes gives you a guarantee. You can read consumer reports and ask friends their opinions, but there are no guarantees. Accept that. All that you can hope for is to enjoy each day with the car and hope that when the car breaks down, you can fix it. And you must forgive it. It is in the nature of cars to break down, so accept that nature, and if you get 6 good days in a week and 1 bad day, maybe you are ahead. You can look at other cars, but just look. Take care of yours. WHen it inevitably breaks down and you have problems, you must decide whether it is worth dropping in a new transmission or engine, but you decide what it is worth to make it last. Even an American car might last forever with ridiculous maintenance. Sometimes no amount of maintenace can save a lemon. And if it does not last forever, just hope that you enjoyed the years with that one, and buy another one. No guarantees. Just enjoy it and do your best.
I have a 21 year old Mercedes coupe with only 70,000 miles on the cast iron V-8 engine. I grew up with my parents driving my brother and I around in the back seat. I hope to do the same with my children. It may cost some money. |
| Ghost Writer | Saturday, February 12, 2000 - 11:42 pm
Is it more fitting to compare marriage to an automobile purchase, or should it be compared to the purchase of a home (something that should reasonably expected to last a lifetime)? Or should it be compared to a relationship with a live human being?
When you've driven a car and "she" breaks down after 21 years of service and 71,000 miles, you must decide whether it's worth it to drop in a new transmission or trade "her" in for a "newer" and better "model".
If you were to marry an Elle McPherson lookalike and after 21 years of bliss she got ovarian or breast cancer, would you dump her like a broken down mercedes and trade her in? Would you regard her as an inanimate object and say "Well it was nice while it lasted, but you no longer fulfill my needs and expectations"?
What ever happened to "For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part..."
What if you get prostate cancer? Would you expect more from her than you do from yourself? |
| Voigtkampff | Sunday, February 13, 2000 - 06:53 am
My first new car purchase was a 1987 Toyota Supra. I have 190,000 miles and recently spent $2,500 on a valve job and $3,000 on a paint job. The car is worth maybe half what I just spent on it in the course of 3 months. But people (and valets) still look at it and ask me about it. And I am proud of the car. I actually feel that if I mistreat the car, then it will mistreat me. So I spin the tires and have fun. I take it up to a 100 mph. But I do not expect too much, and I know that it would be unfair to compare it to a new sports car. I have the money to buy a new car, and all of my mechanics have offered to buy the Supra, but I cannot part with it.
People can have love affairs with their inanimate objects. My roommate, a woman, actually named her car and only refers to it by name, so I know that is not only a male thing. Her girlfriends do the same thing. I personally think that is weird and I refuse to name my car.
But my point is that if we are so afraid that we will make the wrong committment because we cannot conclusively see the future, then we will end up walking to work. My friend's car analogy (which I did bastardize a bit) puts me at ease. It reminds me that there are no guarantees. That I should accept that.
I believe that we should work though problems and do our best. But I also see people who stay in abusive relationships. They accept infidelity or loneliness. Because they feel religiously obligated to persevere. Or perhaps obligated by the children. I have the misfortune of occasionally practicing family law. It's disgusting. I do a divorce on occasion just to stay in practice, but generally avoid them. But what is worse than the divorces is the clients who come in to file bankruptcy and show no respect, let alone love, for each other. And in front of me, a stranger! I tell myself that I am helping them because financial difficulties are the leading cause of marital strife.
On one beautiful occasion a couple approached me to tell me how much I had helped their marriage. I had no clue that they were having difficulties. More frequently I've had former bnk clients call me later to see if I would handle the divorce. |
| Voigtkampff | Sunday, February 13, 2000 - 07:01 am
Should I judge the people who file for divorce, because they have forgotten their vows? Yes, some of them. But I think that for many or most of them it was the right choice. I live in a no-fault state. You can divorce without having to prove anything. Takes 2-3 minutes in front of a judge. Back when there was more a stigma attached to divorce, people would stay in the relationship long after it was dead. They would suffer as would the kids.
With the greater acceptance of divorce, I think that many of these tortured people get out appropriately. Just as the old stigma of bankruptcy made people overly suffer when they had a way out, so did the stigma of divorce.
If I viewed marriage like a home purchase, I would feel locked in. I think that love is more important than marriage. Perhaps practicing bankruptcy has led me to have little respect for contracts, but I will escape from the marriage vows if I have to. |
