     Anonymous | Sunday, February 27, 2000 - 11:51 pm 
No matter how much you are in love, it will die before 16 years are up. One year, five years, seven years, eleven years, fourteen years-- whatever. People who are together past that point only stay married out of "moral" obligation. Or just plain fear of change or being alone. Whatever the case, they end up hating each other.
"Together Forever" is a lie! Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. I know a man who waited impatiently for his children to reach adulthood so he could divorce his wife. (Martha Stewart would have been proud of her. She was a full time salary earner and an impeccable cook and housekeeper).
Then, there's the childless couple who seemed like newleyweds to everyone they met, even after ten years of marriage. "Those two would never separate!" Their lovey- doviness made everyone envious. Now, they are getting divorced.
Love your family, cherish your best friends! Value what will actually last forever. Get religion if you must, but don't wager your life on a romantic relationship. Don't place your heart on a pipedream or your heart will go down the drain.
"In sickness and in health" only applies before there is sickness.
Unconditional love only exists when there's no sex involved. I know many will disagree, but hear me now and believe me later! |
| Voigtkampff | Tuesday, February 29, 2000 - 10:14 am
I cannot disagree with you because the statistics are clear. And I too know a couple who is very open about the fact that they will divorce once the youngest child reaches adulthood.
But I do not feel that there is an inevitable obsolesence to love. It has only been that way because of the stupid criteria that people use to determine that they are in love. I still know people in their 40s who will meet someone and say that they are in love - and contemplate suicide if they can't have that person. Really. Recently.
So many people equate sex to love. And the more sophisticated cavemen/women are the ones who consider other things besides sex. Like does he hit me? Or can we watch a movie together? People do not think too deeply about the relationships and that is why they inevitably end.
The problem is not that love must end. The problem is that these people never had love.
And even if they had love, as adults we must acknowledge that love does NOT conquer all. We have to face realities - that some love is bad love. Run away.
Instead of being purely visceral about love, we should ALSO be analytical and intellectual. For example, I always look at the other person's neuroses and compare them to my own, and consider whether we might be compatible.
For a lot of these relationships that inevitably end, the writing was on the wall and they could have seen the end coming on the wedding day - assuming they even spent any time getting to know each other.
Interestingly, I feel that the reasons why relationships inevitably fail after a certain period is not because of the other person. It is because of us. Yes, even if we do not recognize it, we usually make the same mistakes and date the same type of person, with the same type of frailties/neuroses, over and over. We hunt down the same type of bad relationship over and over, and then wonder why this one did not work out either.
Bottom line, if we spend time thinking instead of just feeling, these marriages will last a lot longer. Marriage is not inherently doomed, just these ill-conceived marriages. |
| Don | Wednesday, March 01, 2000 - 06:40 am
I have to respond to the first posting. And indirectly the second.
I've been married 11 years. I love my wife more today than the day I married her. That is because although we've both changed and grown, we like the other person for who they are, not what we expect from them. Geniune 'Like' is truly so much stronger than 'Love/Sex'. I see that most people cannot handle how the other person changes/grows over the course of their life and that is sad. You cannot expect a person to be the same as they were on the day you met them.
As for in sickness and in health, yes, many many people in this world are that selfish. But not all. My wife was diagnosed with lung cancer last year. Although it is in remission right now, the odds are that it will eventually come back and she will die from it. It will devastate me.
You sound bitter. But not all humans are self-centered and selfish (just most). I hope your perspective improves as your hurt lessens. |
| Voigtkampff | Wednesday, March 01, 2000 - 02:40 pm
Sadly, I wholeheartedly agree that most people are selfish. I frequently lean towards using the word "evil". And I have never even been burned in a relationship, so mine is not a perspective borne of a traumatic experience. I simply observe others in sadness and fear.
Don, unfortunately what you call bitterness, I call simple acceptance and awareness of reality. Though you might come on a little strong, Anonymous. All 3 of us agree about the reality of human nature. But we still have to try, don't we?
Don, you have a rare thing. But I don't agree completely with your analysis of why other people are not as lucky. Yes, people are not willing to accept change. And sometimes the unacceptable change is not as serious as life-threatening illness - sometimes the fact that he/she gained weight is "illness" enough for some people. I think that marriages are frequently doomed from the start, but not because the institution of marriage is inherently flawed. Rather it is because people are childish in evaluating what makes a good spouse. He should be a multi-milionaire and she should look good in a bathing suit. Why can't she be a millionaire for a change? The inability to accept change usually just makes flawed marriages worse and speeds up the inevitable.
But I feel that change alone can end a marriage when people marry too young (developmentally as well as chronologically). Hypothetically, if I married someone at the age of 16 yrs, we would both change an awful lot through adulthood (let alone puberty). Maybe in opposite directions. And if that is the case then I feel that maybe the right thing to do in that situation is to divorce. It is possible to meet someone who is 25 yrs or older who has the life experience and maturity of a 16 yr old.
So while I agree that people unrealistically expect their spouse not to change, I would not personally marry someone who obviously will be changing an awful lot, and in unpredictable directions. Though I suppose that the love-is-blind thing might make me take the risk. |
| Don | Thursday, March 02, 2000 - 05:06 am
I have to agree that most people get married too young and change too much. Maybe my success/luck has do with both my wife and myself being in our 20/30's when we met,we've seen enough of life to know what to expect. |
