     Morgan Appel (Downinsocal) | Friday, April 21, 2000 - 08:43 am 
OK--So, I've got time on my hands this Good Friday. Here's some suggestions for addressing the wolves when they are baying at your door--or telephone. When the collectors call, use the following:
(1) "Hello? Oh, (you) is not here now. Could you please spell your name? Smith--S-M- is that i or y? Common spelling? What company? Oh--what kind of company is that...? Wait, hold on, S-M-I...what's your first name? Don't have one? OK...will (you) know what its about...personal business? Oh, he has a business...
(2) "Oh, yes, its me. Hold on just a second while I transfer you to my private line (which is permahold...love that MUZAK version of Smoke on the Water)."
(3) "No--I've never heard of your agency before. Are you the same guys who are contacting me telepathically, or are you the ones who are bugging my telephone?"
(4) "I'm on the job (ala NYPD Blue)." Suggests to the collectors that you are brethren.
(5) "Can I call you at home this evening? I'm swapped here."
(6) "I sent in the payment already...its in that ticking box that will arrive via FEDEX tomorrow morning." Its...da bomb, as the kids say.
(7) "Why, yes, I can send the payment in full. That's a great strategy, considering I haven't been able to make the $15 monthlies...jeez you are good at this!"
(8) "Why are you so angry? You need to get in touch with your inner collector. Garnish your heart and your soul will follow..."
(9) "Chip...is that you? Now, stop playing around. This isn't one of your bettter jokes...C'mon!"
(10) "No...he's not here...my God...you didn't know? He was tragically killed in his efforts to save Mongolian Tigers (or other endangered species)...after he was mauled, he mouthed, "...tell Nordstrom I'm sorry I could not pay more..." |
